b0sniianbabii

Dear Ana,
im sorry. im so so sorry i've let you down. i miss you.
i miss everything you were to me. i miss the feeling you
used to give me. i've let my priorites go, i've let myself
go. i want you back in my life more than anything, but everytime
i try i seem to fail. i dont know what to do anymore. i dont know
how to get you back. why must everything tempt me so much. im so
sick and tired of this life i've been living. i just want you back
so bad. im willing to do anything. im sooo sorry. please come back to me.
please just dont leave. one more chance, please, thats all im asking.
i want you to be back in my life. i dont know if i can survive without you.
i miss you. im sorry.
...please come back.

resolutions in order from most important to least

yepp. there they are. dont you love how graduating is 5th. hahaha.
oh well. thats what i want to IM GONNA achieve. :)

okay so today started off quite well.
woke up in the morning, i didnt bother weighing myself
because i looked in the mirror and i seemed skinnier than
the night before. so i was content. (especially since im on my period.)

i had 3 cups of coffee and headed to school.
school was great..no food temptation. just a spoonful
of lettuce at lunch from a salad my friend got. it had
no dressing whatsoever so i was good. :)

..then i got home...
i wasn't planning on eating, but i just became so hungry,
almost like i was bloodthirsty. it overtook all my senses ; i caved.
i had a bag of popcorn. (75 cals.)
i thought i was done, but it didnt stop there.
a HUGE bowl of trix cereal. (170 cals per 3/4 cup of cereal + 1/2 a cup of skim milk..i surely doubled that amount..so lets say 340)
an egg & cheese bagel sandwich. (wasnt sure how many cals in the egg or cheese..but the bagel alone had 230)
then i purged..ALOT. but for some reason it felt like only the popcorn came up.
words of wisdom..dont eat popcorn if you plan on purging..its disgusting.
so i was done with food for today...WRONG.
(let me remind you that this eating/purging fest happened in the course of an hour)

about an hour later i went downstairs and got more coffee...then i saw a dougnut.
so i had a dougnut whose calories i have no idea how many it contained.
and i had 4 little mini chocolate things (85 cals)
another type of mini chocolate bar(35cals)
and then i wanted MORE FOOD.
so i had a grilled cheese sandwhich..(170 cals in the bread + just another random slice for the hell of it so 265 cals)
and ANOTHER bag of popcorn(75 cals)

i felt like such a failure..iwanted to shoot myself. so once again i made my way to the
bathroom floor and purged until i couldnt breathe.
afterwards i downed 12 Total Cleanse pills
(they supposidly work like laxatives and remove nasty stuff from your
body and colon linings)
had 2 more cups of coffee, 3 apples and a banana.

so here i am, a failure, a rotten excuse for an anorexic.
but for some reason i haven't been able to control my eating at all
these last 2 1/2 weeks. this is how i've been living.

binging,purging,binging,purging.
up to 5 times a day!

so all im asking from someone out there is..

PLEASE HELP ME CONTROL MYSELF. CALL ME FAT, MAKE FUN OF ME,
TELL ME IM WORTHLESS OR SOMETHING. I NEED TO FEEL LIKE SHIT IN
ORDER TO BE ABLE TO SUCCEED!!  PLEASE, IF YOU WILL GRANT ME ONE
WISH, IT WOULD BE THAT. PLEASE, IM BEGGING YOU.